Monday, June 8, 2009
oh to be too caffeined up...
today the cottonwood trees were all shedding their spores. which meant that riding my bike felt like it was snowing. and made me laugh and thus get many in my mouth. and my allergies were no happy camper about that.
a supposed thunderstorm this evening. it has been warm and muggy all day. and then the darker clouds are playing about the sky. and me on my way to do some grocery shopping for the first time in like forever.
i have like a million books i am reading now. at least it feels that way. but i do adore being surrounded by books. like friends, each one with its own particular personality. to read when i am feeling this way or that, depending...
a man is snapping his fingers at the computer across from me right now. why i do not know. but it is a lovely sound.
had to work this morning when it is usually my day off for a coworker whom got in a minor car accident. she is ok though which is a relief. but i get wednesday off now which makes my time off seem much longer. and perhaps i will be able to stay out late for game night at abbys if it is still going on. last week was fun. a big bunch of lovely folks. some old friends, some new, all playing catch phrase, laughing, drinking beers. does it get any more nerdy and perfect than that? no. i think not..
just was looking at a book of most famous and amazing photographs while waiting for the computer. it is amazing how much one single shot can move you. i think photography is probably my favorite art medium. well next to writing of course.
i am almost shaking so coffee-d up. i should get off this computer and move.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
just finished the alchemist (by paulo coelho) after savoring it for about a week. if you haven't read it, you really should. it is just beautiful. the kind of book that any one could pick up and get something out of. the kind of book that you could pick up at different points in your life and get great meanings out of. reminded me a little of the little prince, which is also excellent. but just so simple. yet brilliant.
"the secret is here in the present. if you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. and if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better...each day, in itself, brings with it an eternity."
"remember that wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure..."
"you must understand that love never keeps a man from pursuing his Personal Legend. if he abandons that pursuit, it's because it wasn't true love...the love that speaks the Language of the World."
"one is loved because one is loved. no reason is needed for loving."
"so, i love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you."
"there had been times when his heart spent hours telling of its sadness and at other times it became so emotional over the desert sunrise that the boy had to hide his tears. his heart beat fastest when it spoke to the boy of treasure and more slowly when the boy stared entranced at the endless horizons of the desert. but his heart was never quiet..."
"well, then, why should i listen to my heart?
"because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you're thinking about life and about the world."
"from then on, the boy understood his heart. he asked it, please, never to stop speaking to him..."
"intuition is really a sudden immersion of the soul into the universal current of life, where the histories of all people are connected and we are able to know everything because it is already written there..."
so. so good.
ive been thinking about the phrase "i swear by it". thinking well what do i swear by?
well for one, flax seed oil.
thanks to the lovely elizabeth for introducing me. i had the worst. like the worst possible ever ever digestion for the past few years. like whoa. like ugh. etc.
but i started taking flax seed regularly. just two pills a day. and i've never been better. or more regular. literally. :) its like heavenly. these bowel movements. hah!
so i guess i swear by it. flax seed.
what else? i can't think of anything right this moment.
i got the most horrendous sleep last night, or lack of it. seriously like could not fall asleep for hours and hours and then when i finally did i woke up like every hour. feeling fried and too caffeinated and dried out and my lungs hurt. (too many cigs probs). i hate getting bad sleep. it makes me grumpy and feel like my brain is a useless lump of useless.
other then that tho, i am having a lovely day..
Thursday, May 21, 2009
"will i have expressed it before i leave
this heart that, tormented, consents to be?
endless astonishment that mastered me,
will i have imitated you up to the end ? ..."
i see or i hear
that more or less
that leaves me
like a needle
in the haystack
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
boy when i get in a pissy mood, it happens like all the sudden.
anyways... they are redoing my bathroom in my apartment and i walked in after work to find mass amounts of white dust in the air and probably all over my bed too. the guy was smoking a cig in my bathroom with all the windows closed. good times. i hope they are done with it soon.
the walls at work got bleached and were giving everyone a headache.
so from there to home. i had to come out and get some fresh air. sheesh.
lately, ive been having these random really strong smells emerge when i am out and about. yesterday it was orange soda. then grape bubble gum. then today it was roasted marshmellows. hopefully i don't have a brain tumor. they said on lost that you can smell these really random things sometimes if you do.
and of course everything on lost is like totally true.
i rode my bike just all over yesterday which was nice. got some good sun. got up super early the past few days even tho they were my day off. it is really hard to sleep in when you get up at 6am 5 days a week. but then i guess its nice cause it feels like i got a lot accomplished by like 11.
i am quite hungry currently. trying to figure out what to stuff my face with. hmmmm...
Sunday, May 10, 2009
been thinking about tattoos a lot lately. would luff to get some more at some point. some ideas for them:
-the last image in the novel "the phantom tollbooth". basically it's the main character milo, after he goes on this amazing journey and gets a new perspective on life and all the beauty in it. it is basically him sitting in a chair in his room and the wind coming thru the window blowing the curtains and basically life and all the wild adventures to be had into his face.
-the names of the two pets i've had in life, tuffy and lucy.
- the last two lines of one of my fave sandra cisneros poems "heart my lovely hobo". out of context it seems random. but i would want it over my heart and it says "not this throbbing. this."
-a cartoon heart with two stick figure hands holding hands. that lane drew me as part of an amazing comic she made me.
-i've always thought about a part of a quote from american beauty but can't decide exactly which part. perhaps "sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, i feel like i just can't take it." or "and my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst".
-did you ever notice how s&m filled the lyrics for the song crash into you (or me? i forget which), by dave matthews? maybe this is a big duh? but well i for sure have while hearing it on the radio at work while cleaning cages with nothing else to do but analyze songs to death in my head.
so, my older sis on her blog has a "harem list" of hottie folks whom are well... hotties. and the other night when i couldn't sleep, i wrote my own list of folks whom are to me, of the hotter persuasion.
-toni collette (hotcha)
-joseph gordan levitt (weird huh, but he was amazing in mysterious skin, that's where my crush began)
-angelica houston (i saw her first in the witches (the movie from the roald dahl book) and if you can play the grand high witch who is hella ugly without her people mask, and still be foxy, then daaaang.
-chan marshall of cat power. (besides having a crush on her voice)
-antony hegarty (again besides having a music crush)
-isabelle huppert (fabulous french (i think) actress. see the piano teacher if you don't believe it)
-marlee matlin (of the L word and children of a lesser god. almost saw her read from her memoir in chicago, but couldn't make it. boo hiss)
-patricia clarkson (she's the actress who plays the doc in lars and the real girl, and has been in like a million other things that i can't think of right this moment. boy oh boy do i tend to dig older womens.)
-kevin spacey (i don't even know what to say about this one. but yeah...)
-jill scott (i saw her recently in why did i get married, and whew...)
-health ledger (gaaaay...)
-eddie izzard (sense of humor is always a plus)
-the guy whom plays sayid on "lost" (i'd like to be stranded on an island with him any day...zowza)
-lynda barry (she is quite elderly now but i'm such a sucker for amazing writers. i could just hang out with her in her studio where she does her stuff)
-sandra cisneros (i almost got to see her speak too like a month ago but couldn't get it so many folks showed up. bah)
-javier bardem (after seeing before night falls, one of my fave movies eva).
yeah. so them's my thoughts recently....
Friday, May 8, 2009
R.I.P tuff my luff.
so my dearest tuffs passed away this week. and it makes me very sad but also very thrilled that i got to have her in my place for a few luffly months. she was the perfect cat.
the day she passed there was an almost immediate thunderstorm with pouring rain and lightning afterwards. i found it fitting. going out with a bang she did.
?-May 6th 2009
some of the many other names i called her:
-sugar butt (yeah...)
things that i will miss about her:
-that she snored
-that she was the messiest eater ever. i think i still have tuna in my couch
-that she loved my cookie monster stuffed animal. and would knead and bite him.
-that she had the most screechiest meow ever.
-that she would "monitor" my friends. following them around if i wasn't home.
-that she went nuts over this shirt i bought home from work and mashed her face all in it
-how when she stretched her leg would jitter
-that catnip made her playful for like two minutes, then she'd walk back to bed
-her old lady shuffle
-her big ole eyes and her curled in ears
-that she always rubbed her face on my shoes after eating
-that she would meow to announce her arrival in my bed even if it was 4 am and she had just left to pee
-that she would spoon
-that all my friends were quite smitten with her
-the day before she passed, i was petting her and she grabbed my arm and put her head in my palm.
she was brilliant.
and made me mushy so many times all up in my heart.
i just adored her. more then words could even express.
she will be missed.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
my teeth hurt.
and the idea of trying to find affordable sliding scale dental care in chicago is pretty daunting but i talked with a coworker about a possible place. and looked some more up on the internet. i feel like i have atleast a few cavities. weird they all seem to have gotten sensitive all at once. my teeth have always been fucked, but the front ones seem just really pushing for space lately. ouch. just want to get it taken care of before i end up with another root canal. plus, when yr teeth hurt there is not much to be done and it's all you can think about most of the time.
i can sleep in tomorrow which is exciting and much needed. closing at work instead of opening. then a gym date. then drinks with a friend. should be a busy sunday!
tonight i am thinking of making myself some burritos. spinach. feta cheese. tomatoes. black olives. sour cream. hot sauce. spicy fake meat. mmmmmm face.
yeah, that's about it on this end. some random thoughts: christian and i talked about how i should write a book on being an animal psychic. it would be called esp. extra sensory purrrrception. get it :)
am feeling very extremely alive in various moments lately. fills me all up inside.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
beautiful things of the past few days:
-napping with tuffy on a gloomy afternoon forehead to forehead.
-going around a curve on the el tracks headed towards downtown and seeing the skyline in the mist and thinking about how much i've grown to love this city.
-seeing the sky orange and grey clouds moving quickly across the sky at sunset with the wind whipping up and a sudden rain shower
-my friend appearing between some racks at the thrift store trying to scare me
-eating a chicago style veggie dog (celery salt, mustard, peppers, relish) and delicious fries.
-smelling the lovely smell of millions of books at my fave library browsing
-waking up at 8 am and realizing i can go back to sleep
-listening to good music on my walkman people watching on the train
-not freezing when giving myself my t shot this time
-seeing tuffy attack my cookie monster stuffed animal in my bed the one morning.
-finding out ami mattison is coming to perform in chicago in a few weeks!
-all the glorious april events coming up, stacey ann chin, sandra cisneros, my mom's bday/retirement partay
-finding out that lane is coming for 9 days may 29th-june7th!!
-laughing hard on the train about something or other with christian after stuffing ourselves with indian food buffet
-the weird weather on sunday, blizzard slush storm in the morning and by the time i was riding home after work, the sun out and ice melting, sending huge chunks down on my bike helmet and cars.
Friday, March 13, 2009
lately ive been going back to doing a thing ive not done in a long long while. since like high school---listening to music in bed. and i love it. course, it doesn't quite put me to sleep since i find myself singing and dancing in bed, but i forgot how much i missed it. i used to pop in a tape in my walkman or listen to my clock radio. my lil sis and i would sometimes listen to the jesus station and chuckle at the jesus songs. i dont think we spend enough time listening really listening to music. without doing much else, just listening.
went out to dinner with coworks/boss yesterday night and it was quite fun. we learned all about each other. they were surprised my middle name is danger. we ate amazingly good vegan food. i can't even describe it without drooling so i won't cause im hungry.
i am so tired lately. ive been napping because ive been tired and then have trouble falling asleep and them am tired and nap and then cant fall asleep etc etc. vicious cycle.
then i just get no motivation for things and can barely get off my couch.
i really love the moon. and it always warms my heart when i look up the sky out the window of my apartment and there it is all bright and full or half and shiny and i think my life long wish of being an astronaut has never ever left me.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
sometimes at work for a brief moment i feel like a teen idol. this moment happens when i am leaning over cleaning a cage, for instance, and suddenly i have a million little kitty paws clawing at my clothing. then in my head, i say no no autographs please.
does that make sense? yes. i think it does.
ate some pot cupcakes this past monday. whoa. i kind of like it better then smoking it (which i also did recently because hey why not, im a wild and crazy guy) , because instead of this sudden high it like eases you into it ever so slowly until it is 2 in the morning and you are lying awake in bed thinking about all your past lives, which you didn't really particularly believe you had past lives before, but now you can feel and see all these lives you lived before. and it's kind of crazy but also pretty neat. and quite vivid. and yeah, i really haven't gotten stoned since like 7 years ago.
why is it that i crave indian food so much. why is it that i don't have a big enough stomach to eat for hours when i go to the buffets. it's not quite fair.
boy i can't wait until spring.
Monday, March 9, 2009
my walk to work generally is providing of many a lovely thing.
because of the time change this weekend what was once light is now dark when i leave for work at quarter to six. the streets are ungodly quiet and sometimes i don't come across a single soul until i hit the main street my work is on.
lately, there is this one dog that this woman walks whom i sometimes come across during my walk. there is something about the eyes of this pup when it looks up at me that makes me feel as if i know it. familiar. wise. knowing. i am beginning to suspect perhaps it is the reincarnation of someone that i once knew. the owner person always avoids eye contact or saying hello which is fine, but this past sunday maybe due to the rainy weather and them being the only living things i came across on my way, i tried to make some type of greeting half thinking that maybe silence was more fitting. so it ended coming out like a grunt of sorts. a kind of huh more then a hi.
but oh that pup.
walking home from work that same day i also saw a person blaring music in their car. something that sounded like tracy chapman. also, a stuffed pig sitting atop a fence, part of the street filled so deep with water it looked like the cars were floating, 2 dogs one with a pink harness, and a tree whose trunk was so sleek looking and curvy it looked like a body stretching up to the sky.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
the return of crying! yay!
i definitely have gotten teared up alot more lately then well i really hadn't been at all, so it's definitely moreso.
finished watching this movie i started last night, called central station. it was just wonderful. i think i really like "trip" movies, where the characters are going on some sort of journey somewhere. the lead actress was fantastic too. heartbreakingly so.
which is what got me teared up this morning in my yogurt and granola.
i was talking with my coworker the other day about treating oneself. about spending money, altho we are the cheapest of cheapos, on ourselves. i really rarely do that. besides coffee and occasional eating outs. but i don't think its because i'm not into treating myself. i just don't really desire for things very often. and when i do it is usually food, thrift store shopped clothes, or books. however, i decided that with my tax refund and my new slightly higher paycheck, i am going to treat myself to these things soon: a ticket to visit ny. a new binder. antony's new cd. a blender. and a new notebook.
so there, see i'm gonna treat myself!
Monday, February 23, 2009
watched the oscars last night after getting the strange itch to clean my apartment whilst watching preshow oscar barbara walters interviews. clean like mop the floors and bleach the toilet out, etc. i laughed a lot at those jonas brothers interview. man are they lame.
i have not watched t.v./the oscars in like so so many years. commercials are this strange alien thing to me now. i do adore films however and realized that i did indeed miss watching the oscars, altho i sometimes think they are silly and overblown.
but.. i have to say i got a little gayed teared up at the screenwriter of milk's ( which i haven't even seen) speech. anytime someone publicly spouts how queers are beautiful always gets me a little choked up.
do you ever have those like random things/subjects that seem to pop up in your life a bunch and you notice them and say hmmmm....that's random? like.. i seem to keep having people magazine brought up in conversations. that's just an example. but some things lately that have been like that in my life: caramel corn. anchor steam beer. bananas/slipping on a banana. buster berkley movie references.
i am really struggling to find some significance in all that. maybe if i start writing them down they will reveal some secret code to the meaning of life.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
watched this gay ass movie last night, the history boys.
i got sucked in.
a quote from it i really liked:
"the best moments in reading are when you come across something,
a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things, that you'd thought special particular to you and there it is set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe someone long dead, and it's as if a hand has come out...
and taken yours.."
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
been having the craziest dreams lately. last night there was a lot of water in them. a kind of rushing tumbling river of sorts like the kind they have at waterparks that you go tubing down. and then an ocean beautiful and sunny and peaceful. also had dreams with ladders, cockroaches, ice cream type food, a pick up truck, a bunch of folks in the back of a pick up truck, making an escape, going back, waiting in line forever. and elderly cook lady.
i've also been having psychic dreams too. just little bits and pieces from my dreams that show up in my days.
Monday, January 26, 2009
-i do feel that one of the major signs of success in life is having your name be the answer to a crossword clue. but that's just me...
-the other day at the library this little kid and his mom were waiting in line. he was being pretty loud saying this and that. she shushed him saying you have to be quiet this is a library. he then burst out in those whiny kid tears and was like "i can't be quiet". which he repeated a few times while everyone in line chuckled.
-i find septum piercings incredibly sexy
-i am imagining a short film called "lines from songs that i wish i could use at some point in my life". it would be scenes in which these lines were used. and instead of having the actors/tresses sing them they would be dubbed over with the actual song line. there is a queer film event that happens every few months and the one in may is a musical themed one. so we shall see...
-i really love scenes in movies in which there is a flood or some such thing and people are wading in water and totally soaked.
-if i could magically have a singer's voice, it would be a toss up between nina simone, antony (of antony and the johnsons), or the guy from at the drive-in (and mars volta).
Thursday, January 8, 2009
although i consider myself very much a "people-lover". some days when i am feeling extra pissy, i like to allow myself to dwell in a little people hatred. when many of the quirks that usually endear me to humanity just seem mostly grating on my nerves irritating. like someone for instance eating something in the computer lab. someone standing in front of my coffeeshop table for an extended period trying to figure out where to sit when there are like a million empty seats. someone walking really slow infront of me and taking up the whole sidewalk somehow.
sometimes i try and pinpoint why it is i get in a foul mood. not that i particularly have anything against bad moods. good moods wouldn't be so sweet without the contrast. and i surmise mostly it is due to lack of sleep.
which i have been getting a lot of the past few days for some reason. my brain has not been shutting up. tuesday night i lied in bed for two hours before becoming unconscious.
i've also been feeling very full. and yet hungry. and emotional. and aware. and psychic. and excited. and sad. and having lots of moments where life seems perfectly beautiful. and some moments of being disappointed. and sometimes not bored persay, but maybe more so restless.
i got some how to write a screenplay and screenplay contests books out from the library. i have been thinking the past week of scenes for a particular screenplay ive got in my head. dialogue. characterization and whatnot. now i just have to sit down and start pounding it out.
i dont make new years resolutions so much but i would like to get back into writing. and i feel like i have been lately which is good. and i would like to be less obsessive about certain things. i would like to add more spice to my life. i would like to be healthier with myself. i would also like to travel as much as i can. also i would like to express my feelings more and to more people in my life. etc.
random aside. i watched an amazing film called xxy this week. watch it.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
i am reading a collection of short stories called we are the stories we tell.
i really dug these lines from one particular story: no place for you, my love by eudora welty
"...and what danger was there once in this repulsiveness-so that the last worldly evidence of some old heroic horror of the dragon had to be paraded in capture before the eyes of country clowns?"
"surely even those immune from the world, for the time being, need the touch of one another, or all is lost."
"...he put his arm under her shoulder and kissed her-not knowing ever whether gently or harshly. It was the loss of this distinction that told him this was now."
oh new years. mostly i am not so fond of the drunken crowds and new years eve festivities. but i had a lovely time last night. christian and jordan and i went to c's coworker's get together. they blew off some fireworks and there were sparklers at midnight. and the view from the roof was absolutely stunning. just all of the chicago downtown skyline.
emily and tom's cat is meowing at me. she is very cute but very loud. i think she is digging looking out my window from so high up tho. she is the head butt-er of all head butt-ers. she almost knocked the phone out of my hand when i was talking on it this morning. now she is rubbing her face all over the computer and lounging. you know i love cats and i love seeing their cute faces at work but i think this cat sitting will prove to me that i am not yet ready for a pet.
so indeed, yes, what a year it has been. it was good to reflect on that last night. there has been so much stuff that has occurred. some goods. some awfuls. some beautifuls. some firsts. some lasts. lots of changes.
i feel as if i want to write more but i can't find the words. that is how i feel this morning a little. unexplainable.
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